Topic: Reflections
The internet is an amazing thing. It has given us the opportunity to do things we never thought possible. We can travel to another country or even another world, we can talk to people anywhere, we can look up literally thousands of topics for information, we can be creative, we can auction, buy and sell items, and much, much more. And the best part is that we can be annonymous. Or is it?
The annonymity of the internet is questionable, IMO. Yes, we can exist here and nobody will know who we really are unless we want them to. But is that a good thing? Think about it. Being annoymous, gives us the opportunity to say things to others that we would probably never say to their faces. Because we ARE faceless here. Very rarely do we get to know the actual people we are messaging in real life.
I once belonged to a large and volatile (to say the least) online community. We all came together because of our love of a TV show. We took on pseudonames known as "handles" which we chose for our own reasons. We discussed episodes, we talked about relationships, we role played, we wrote stories and poetry and we fought. I mean big time fighting. But we used words instead of weapons. And words can be very powerful weapons. Words can hurt. And I admit, I was guilty of using my word weapons there too. And sometimes my word weapons hurt others. And for that I am truly sorry.
Back in those days, logging in and reading posts was just about my whole life. Yes, I worked and yes I had a family and yes I did other things. But always, first thing in the morning, I'd log in, check email and check the forum I posted on. In the evening, after work, shopping and chores, I'd log back in, check email and the posts and stay on until I could not keep my eyes open anymore. I would even sneak on during the day from my job. That's how much being a part of this subculture meant to me.
I have been out of all of that for quite some time now. When I moved here to Florida, my whole life changed. Now my life revolves around working many hours to keep a roof over our heads. And that doesn't leave me much time to play online. It was a painful separation at first, but as time went on, I realized how I really did not need this addictive internet existance. And then I began to reflect upon on my past and my role there. I saw that at the time I desparately needed to be recognized. It was like I wanted to shout out to the world, "Hey, I'm here! Look at me!" And so I took on a few personnas to get the attention I needed. But they really were not me. They were the online me, but not the real me. Yes, the real me is a strong and sometimes opinionated person who oversteps bounds in real life. I cannot count how many times I've said things that I immediately regretted saying and wished I could take them back. You know, open mouth, insert foot. Sheesh! But the truth is, I hate arguments. So why did I engage in so many arguments online? I guess it was just another way to get attention.
Now that I'm older...much older (lol), I know that for me, attention really isn't necessary. All I want is to live comfortably. I do like my job, even though it doesn't pay very much, and I do like living here. I love my little family and our home and will do everything in my power to keep us together. What I miss though, is being creative. I haven't felt any kind of muse for years now. Maybe that's because I really don't have the time to sit down and just write.
Well, maybe one day that will change and I can write that novel I've had kicking around in my head for years. But for now, I'll just keep on keeping on and be glad that after so many years of living, I finally found out who I really am.
Peace out. 
RedPrincess {{~_~}}, aka Who I Am
